I can’t make sense of it all but right now I’m okay.
That is all I know for certain. I am here. I am breathing.
I don’t know if I will be tomorrow but right now I’m feeling fine.
The anger and sadness has run dry. It was used up too much in the past month. I only have peace now.
So, you’re gone.
Maybe not forever but right now you’re not here.
You packed your things and said goodbye.
I don’t know if it was for the last time but damn I hope it was.
You’re gone and I’m okay. You’re gone and I don’t care. You’re gone and I’m happy. For once I see my future being whole. I see my life being complete.
This moment I must remember.
February. 32nd-59th day of the year. 02. For a number that is so balanced, I don’t understand why everything fell apart.
Every time joy is taken from someone, a blade of grass dries up and dies.
Needless to say, February was a hard month for me. But there is always rebirth after adversity. There is always a day that it is unexpectedly warm and you open the window and let the breeze in.
From family trouble to professional difficulties, I’ve been finding it hard to keep myself balanced. January ended with me writing “And, so, I take the next step with confidence.” Now, I don’t even see my foot.
I feel like the sand man when he tries taking his first step after gaining his powers: he falls and turns into a million grains of sand. But someone/something has been adding water to my sand and that’s made me stronger.
Inhale. Exhale. Let it go.
That’s what I’ve been learning to do. That’s what’s been keeping me whole. Taking 15 minutes in the morning and just mediating, being still, praying, and worshipping. It is through this that the water flows off my back, hate does not enter the room, and peace flows into me and makes me new.
I know I will read these again…so I want to write to myself:
Eli, where ever you are in a month, two months, six months, a year from where I am right now remember that sometimes things are sour before they’re sweet. Anything in life that has value is worth the pain.
No, the steps aren’t clear and I don’t know when they will be again, but I know that you have something inside you that keeps you going on and allows your soul to be shown to people. There are people willing to help you when you’re stuck. There are people who are there to hold your hand through the tough parts…all you gotta do is extend yours.
Heart is light.
Wings are stretched.
Today will be a good day.
In doing nothing
Everything is formed
Wood on tongue
Beans in belly
Heart in hand
It is nice to feel wanted
Cupid sings songs too
It’s just hard to listen
sometimes i feel like a clean room can clear your mind
Open the door and let them in.
Let the wanderer find refuge.
Heart of sojourn. Hands of healing.
Let them in.
There is a bad word in
For the one who does not love
The one who does not care for their neighbor
Shirt off back. Belly full. That is how you love.
Clean pillow. Scent of cinnamon. Warm words.
The stars blinking above us forever.
This is how you love.
Open the door. Open the door. Shut out all the darkness.
And open the door.
This is how you love
Healing comes in threes
Just like death
First the tears
Then the slow breathing
Last the reminder that
Love is not a waterfall
Each its own source
Never running dry
Maybe it’s better for people to err on the side of ambition instead of being swallowed up by a never-ending surge of self-doubt.
My life is a dream deferred. I should be doing so much more. I should BE so much more. I just wish I remembered why I wanted any of that in the first place.
I have a nagging feeling that there was a reason.
I just want to feel passionate about something again.
"Maybe it just sags like a heavy load."
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “I See The Promised Land,” 1968.
Internalizing these preacher’s words. Feeling my posture transition. I will stand tall.
True expression without fear of oppression. I need to be more like them.
Text to my brother:
Part of me knows it wasn’t just about the earrings tonight. It’s about how he wants to have control over me: my religion, my appearance, my actions. He wants to shape my worldview but I don’t want that. By calling me his slave he affirmed the feelings I’ve had towards him all this time. The other part of me sees a lot of significance in those earrings. They’re my freedom of expression; my sign that I am my own person. They’re very special. Getting the piercings was one of the best memories of the summer with you. Buying the gauges with my own money that I worked for was also important. But the nail in the coffin was that he said I can’t even wear them outside the house. Jafet’s Christmas present for me was a hand made wooden jewelry box to hold all my earrings. And I hid the box when I went upstairs because, to me, by making my piercing close up and taking my earrings from me, he is trying to separate me from you and Jafet. He’s is attempting to start the cycle of years of separation between us but I won’t let him! I have to move out.
When I heard
I ran to my window
Stared at the setting sun
and tried to find pieces of you
Longed to see a glimpse of your foot
Crossing into Eternity.
I wanted to practice monthly journaling this year. I don’t know how consistent I will be but I will try my best.
This month consistent of money, movies, and movement.
From the first day of January, I have been working. My job at Sunglass Hut went back to their normal schedule, so I haven’t been getting that many hours. Luckily, I saw that coming and lined up some jobs where I could get extra cash. Also, my first ever credit card came in the mail and I think I’m using it very responsibly. I got it to build my credit score and it has been teaching me a lot about money management. With transferring, money became a big issue, but luckily it all worked out.
I didn’t want to make some crazy resolution to watch a movie everyday, but so far, I have been watching a lot of great films. I still need to watch Philomena and Nebraska but other than that I have watched every best picture nominee. A year ago began my true love for film. Before my media literacy class I had always thought movies were good, but literature was where it was at! But when realizing that movies combine so many different art forms (writing=screenplay, music=score/lyrics, art=visual effects/film…) I fell in love with them. I watched a lot of movies alone this month, but the ones that I saw with other people, I remember better. And that’s to say, I think they have been helping me deepen my connection to the people around me. We talk about the movie, the characters, the plot. Even my friends who never understood the power of film before say they love talking and dissecting films now because of me. That makes me happy.
Movement: In every sense of the word, I have been going thought many shifts. From switching schools, to changing my attitude, this 2014 has been good so far. I’ve been on the move and working as hard as I can to keep a balance in my life. I remember driving to school morning, and just beaming. I was smiling and singing to the music in my car and then I stopped. I thought to myself, “when was the last time you’ve been happy like this for no reason?” I couldn’t remember.
I feel a lot of clarity in my life. The path doesn’t look as foggy as it did a month ago. And, so, I take the next step with confidence.